A man of my time

As I have mentioned before tomorrow will see me step into sixties, and as is my wont, my mind passed back to my youth, when my mother took me to see a variety show at the Gaiety theatre in Ayr.

The stars of the show were Rickie Fulton and Jack Milroy ( France & Jocie) - but also on the bill was one of Scotlands greatest commedians - Chic Murray -so in memory of times gone bye - and with the hope that his one liners put a smile on your face as they do to me - read on

• Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."
  
• When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, Chic lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"
  
• My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
  
• My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
  
• I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?
  
• So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.
  
• What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
  
• I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
  
• If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
  
• My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
  
• I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.
  
• I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
  
• There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
  
• The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
  
• I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.
  
• A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
  
• My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
  
• I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself.
  
• I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
  
• My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
  
• I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".
  
• I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
  
• I was walking along the road. I knew I was walking because one foot was following the other. A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.
  
• I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.
  
• I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.