Tuesday, October 25, 2005

All Things Bright & Beautiful

I was asked the other day by C.... ( Malaysian book burner) "What is A Cretin ?" in seeking an answer I turned to the dictionary which defines Cretin as -

Pronunciation: 'krE-tin
Function: noun
Etymology: French crétin, from French dialect cretin, literally, wretch, innocent victim, from Latin christianus Christian
1: one afflicted with cretinism
2 : a stupid, vulgar, or insensitive person

So according to this definition we have the French to blame -

But I felt that in our case it somewhat misses the poignancy of our Cretins in Riga

But given that my English is at times lacking in clarity I thought a picture of one group of them might be of benefit to show the typical physical characteristics of this particular species.

My Definition ( with apologies to Websters )
Pronunciation: 'krE-tin
Function: noun
Etymology: British (usually English) crétin, with British dialect, literally, Drunk, Guilty, Loud, Abusive from Latin christianus Christian
1: one afflicted with
2 : a dumb, obnoxious, or moronic person who thinks Ryan Air is a great airline

So To C... - I hope this helps, likewise to anyone else who was uncertain of this breed.

Now to this morning - first frost of the year, minus 2C, and it appears that the first smatterings of snow appeared in the countryside, so with that in mind a little humour seems to be in order.

Have never worked out why, the Irish jokes seems to travel so well, probably because you can substitute "Irish" for Polish, Italian, etc and they still work - so for your edification read on -

One Liner's

Hear about the Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.

What about the Irish sky-diver who was killed when his snorkel failed to open?

Or the Irish water skier who spent the whole winter looking for a sloping lake?

Or the Irish Sea Scouts who drowned when their tent sank?

Or the Irish midget who joined the Army.
He lied about his height!

Or the Irish terrorist who went to blow up a bus.
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

The Irish Guide to Medical Terms

Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door to the cafeteria
Barium: What undertakers do
Cesarean Section: District of Rome
C.A.T. Scan: Search for pussy
Cauterise: Making eye contact with a woman
Dilate: To live to a very old age
Enema: Somebody who's got it in for ya!
Labour pain: Off on workers compensation
Morbid: A higher offer at auction
Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate
Rectum: Damn near killed him
Tablet: A little table
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the bus depot
Tumour: More than one more
Urine: Opposite to you're out

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of chain link, he presented himself at the gate and announced,"O'Sullivan, fencing."

The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves."

So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

And just to show that there is humour in Wales

A Russian spy in Wales

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today."

Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?" he asked
"I am." came the reply
"The tulips are blooming well today." said the Russian
Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.
"Ah, you have come to the wrong house boy. It's Jones-the-spy you want."

and finally found this on an Irish Web site - should we tell T.. ? ( English - Came to Riga to find a woman - suffers from personality disorder - still looking for a woman )

Comments in Green are mine

Busy week ahead - so unless Bird Flu breaks out -no more until weekend............


Anonymous Iolo ap Blackpudding said...

Out of interest in the town of Neath,best known in the good old days for it's rugby team...that was in the days when club rugby in Wales was only rivalled by the Gangs of New York for violence...but that is another story there lived two interesting individuals.

Ernie Jones erstwhile prop forward still looking good when I saw him last..how old are you now Ernie got be 70? still fit and a very good dresser is our Ernie and Ernie Williams (sadly now departed.

Now Ernie Jones was an independent travel agent and was commonly referred to as "Ernie the journey" whilst Ernie,of the Williams clan, was the local Co-op undertaker! and yes right first time, he answered to the nickname of "Ernie the final journey"

3:59 pm  

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